Dear soon to be ex…

So here we are, some place I did not think I will ever reach, not that it does not exist but when I started this journey with you, I did not occur to me that we, us, me and you, you and I, us, will be here one day.

Someone once told me to always expected the unknown unexpected, and truly speaking this is the first for me and I am lost. I wish I could say I don’t know how we got here but that will be a lie, it is just that I chose to ignore so many of your out cries and out bursts so many times as they had been happening so often lately.

At first I thought I won’t cry over this part, but today I found myself so weak so hopeless so… I have no words, and I burst out crying. Crying alone which is something that I do when I have no answers to the pain inside me that I don’t want the world to see on my face. Pain I want to ignore and pretend its not there, but today I cried, cried really bad but I think I am okay now or will be soon.

I must admit, it is still going to hurt for some time to come still, but I have to learn to let go and put things in order. I have to learn anew how not to expect your warm breath next to me, I have to learn know I won’t have you to be mad at, I have to learn to fill my bed and keep myself warm, I have to learn to stop crying over us, over you, over this pain.

I never thought us will ever be reduced to duties and roles played, to manipulations, secrets, accusations, lies, who has what, who is more educated or who had the better education, the virtual significant other, other than me or you in us.

So many questions now fill my head, like this one, was there ever us? Or have we always fooled each other knowing fully well that this is just you and I? Was this always a plan to just put out the fire and dish out the worst pain just at the moment when I thought we were far from what was always expected to happen?

I don’t want to go there because I should have known and seen this coming a mile away, but my believe in us blinded me. I now know I have to get my shit together and figure out what is next, how to navigate this new route and unknown world that I find myself in now. You know, I wish so hard to hate you but those feelings of hate don’t want to fill me, I even find it funny saying that I wish to hate you, because it just sound insane.

I don’t have it in me to hate you, I told you over and over for years that I love you and I am blushing just saying I love you. I don’t know what to do with these feelings now because they have no where to go, no one to be given to and shared with, they are just lingering around.

I appreciate this last moments we are having, your cold face and voice, limited interactions, the cold looks. But at least I can still feel your warm body at night even though I know it won’t be there for long, even if it’s by accident that we even touch or is it because of the limited bed space, I hope not and will hold on to the accidental touching thought.

The morning greetings are met by a frown, the going to work goodbyes are done at a distance if they are said at all, there are no more replies to texts, just short phone calls that are less than ten seconds. This is were we find us after all these years of our crazy ups and downs, defying the rules and doing things OUR way as we saw fit for US. That was us at one point…I can’t believe this…

Wow…It really hurts…this is sooo missed up. I know what your next step is but beyond that paper I don’t, but here I am and I don’t know what to do, should I fight this, should I just let go and let be, what kind of person will I be after us, after you, but what is worse is the innocent people that are going to be more worse off than me and you and the end of this.

I did not want to bring them into this because I wanted this to be just about us, but they too are a big part of us, and this will destroy them. I am not saying you should stop your already rolling actions, no and I am not playing the guilt card. We created them equally and therefore I think they should be able to get our attention and love and to get to us equally without feeling any pressure, they did nothing to us to be where we are today.

I am thankful for your time in my life, without you in it for that long, I don’t know I would have turned out and I will never know because no one can turn back time and do over, but know I will be starting something I know nothing of, life without your smile, warm body, angry pissed off look, smell, goofiness and playfulness. Thank you for all this and more.

Thank you for also giving me time to adjust to life without you, with all the coldness around here lately, it is giving a chance to figure things out and to not rush into things just because I am emotionally driven right now. Life will never be the same and I know I will never ever again come across someone like you. Our good times were good, and I am glad our bad times never lasted more than three days at any given time.

I seriously don’t know where to start because it hurts so bad so much so deep, but thank you and I wish you all the best and hope you find everything I was unable to give you and the satisfaction you seek. I have no bitterness what so ever, and I am hoping life will treat you with kindness where ever you will be and prosper in what ever you put your mind to.

It will hurt when I see you around, worse when I see you with someone else, but I will be okay I won’t go crazy on you don’t worry because I love you too much to hurt you like that. I will cry maybe but a glass of wine if not the whole bottle will help me sleep. I just want you to know that I still care and I will always love you.

And as some song writer said; SOMETIMES LOVE JUST AIN’T ENOUGH

I will miss your snoring though and your smelly feet….HA…HA

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The thorn in your comfort zone

We all have it, all races, all colours, all sexes, the comfort zone and it has nothing to do with anything materially one have.

I read somewhere about success beginning at the end of one’s comfort zone, my addition to that is your comfort zone should be the thorn in your comfort. It should be like my favourite sofa, I love putting my butt there for hours, working, eating, commanding including napping. My sofa is like soulful food, that warm fresh towel after a bath at the end of a long day, that glass of wine when the house is finally quite and you can run around naked and singing a song you don’t know.

But my sofa is my thorn in my comfort zone, the more time I spent with it, there worse my health complications gets more complicated. My sofa is that thorn that reminds me that if I want to ever put on my high heel again, I should consciously remove my butt off of it and put on my sneakers and keep moving.

This is because I have my high heels hanging on the hall directly in-front of my sofa, as a reminder of why my comfort zone is the thorn in my comfort after a long day, and that keeps me going. I know that I will never wear those high heel, but if I love my comfort zone more, I will loose my freedom of going where ever I want without being scared of falling.

Comfort zone is just full horrible things to be honest, fear of the unknown, lots of self doubts, the mental self-esteem crushers, so many what ifs that never materialize, dreams that stays in our heads and never contribute to the betterment of the world, and all these we create in our heads just not to interact with the world.

There is nothing wrong with having a comfort zone, it should be there in times when you need that safety net when life happens the way you did not plan it. Just like when I come home and plant my butt on my sofa and enjoy that feeling, that pulsating feeling up and down my legs. I love them both because without appreciating the other, the other cannot happen.

I love the thorny side of my comfort zone, as it gives me the chance to keep pushing for my goals, and comfort me at the end of the day when I need that hug to can recharge and start all over again.

Comfort zones should be fun, be thorny, act as safety nets BUT never be dream killers, creators of low self-esteem and image, promoters of failure and poor health.